The Twilight of Modern Fiction

Twilight. Urgh.

Well, I’m sure it won’t have escaped your notice that I may not have actually been carrying out my New Year’s resolution very well.  Well, you may not have noticed any difference in posting schedules at all, actually, but I have been trying to post every week.  I’ve had exams, actually, which is why I’ve been struggling to get on, although that is, of course, no excuse.  However, I did manage to scroll past such horrors as these.  Yes.  Twilight fanfic.  Although then again, what with that hot yet oh so sensitive Edward Cullen, and the exciting, dark idea of vampires, is it any wonder why people are so desperate to write their own versions?

“So, I’m here at the  Booker prize awards ceremony, and with me is young new writer, Ms. Mary Sue Watson.  Ms. Watson, how does it feel to have recieved such a prestigious nomination?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I’m amazed.  But then I think it’s only a testament to how much we should all be appreciating Edward, and how much he deserves to win.”

“Hmm, yes.  But then critics have attacked your books by saying that they are merely the deluded imaginings of a teenage girl locked in a fantasy world, with no bearing on real life at all.  What would you say to them?”

“Well, that is clearly complete nonsense.  The main character in the book has a completely different name to mine – she’s called Margery.  How much more different can you get?  Plus her birthday is a whole three days after mine.  And she’s short and podgy.  Do I look like I’m short and podgy to you?”

“Ah, well…  Let’s just skip to the next question.  What would it mean for you to win this award?”

“Well, I think the real honour must go to Edward.”

“But isn’t Edward an imaginary char-  Let’s not go there.  Your book, ah, builds on a lot of Stephanie Meyer‘s work.  What do you think the impact of, say, Twilight has been on the world?”

“Well, I think her books really have a lot to say about modern culture.  In fact, just as, for example, Jane Austen‘s ‘Pride and Prejudice‘ really created the meme of  the tall, dark stranger, so Meyer has created today’s romantic ideal  in the form of a dark person who must be controlled, yet ultimately is something beautiful out of something that should normally be feared.  That Cullen is essentially a baseless, empty character with very little substance very easily allows girls to attach their own ideal men into his place.  In fact, it also allows them to project some of his traits onto those that they see around them.  This accessibility has really affected a generation of girls.  Anyway, what was the question?”

“What impact do you think Twilight has had on the world?”

“Well, Edward is really good looking…”

“Thank you for letting us interview you, and we wish you all the best, especially if you should ever grow out of your childish obsession and contribute something useful to society.  Maybe become a video games designer.  Anyway, back to you in the studio.”

On a completely unrelated note, did anyone else see The King’s Speech?  I’d thoroughly recommend it.  Watch out for Timothy Spall playing the part of Winston Churchill.  Oh, and, while preparing for this post, I enjoyed this.  I hope you will too.

Young Love: Bah humbug.

You know what’s really irritating me at the moment? It might just be me being broody, but couples are really starting to get on my nerves.
It’s not just any couples either. It’s a specific type of couple. The ones who, knowing how lucky they are, and how unlucky you are to be all poor and single, insist on snogging right in full view of everybody else.
You see them sometimes on the way to school and work. They stand on the streets and hug, staring right past each other at the rest of the people on the street. For all we know, they couldbe two random strangers who have got together just to make fun of everybody else. They catch your eye deliberately, and stare at you with the most irritating smirks that I have ever seen. Just tomake sure you know just how lucky they are.
There’s a couple of couples like this at my church, and I swear, friends doing it is even more irritating than random strangers doing it. (No, not ‘it‘, just it…) You’ll be sitting there, perhaps in the Youth Room, maybe they’ll be some snacks, drinks (water only for me, please, I’ll tell you why another day) and you’re chatting. You know, hey Bob, hey, yeah, how’s it going, oh. Fine then. I’ll just sit here completely ignored by everybody because I’m just not conventionally likeable. It’s wrong, isn’t it? And also very irritating.

So what are we to do about this pandemic that sweeps our nation, a clear sign of ‘Broken Britain‘ if I ever saw one? Well, if you are a culprit, then I implore you, please, think about others. We, the lost and sorrowful, beg you, desist from your actions, for the good of, well, us. If you are a brother or sister of the culprit, and if you are one of the people that I am thinking of when I write this (not that you’ll ever read this blog, but hey) then you will truly enjoy my plan, then be brave, and fight for public decency with all your might and strength! I suggest that you use operation ‘Innocent Questions’: “Doesn’t the spit get all mixed up in your mouth when you kiss and taste disgusting?” “Why can’t I join in?” (And, for the true pro: “Why were you kissing that other boy/girl last week, and now this one today?”)
However, we are not all in such a privaliged position. So, members of the public, the last great bastions of hope in this country, and probably in other countries as well, please help in any which way you can. Ban people from even holding hands in public places. (Your local conservative MP will probably be very helpful if you just mention the magic word: ‘votes’.) Start no-kissing campaigns on Facebook. Ignore any friends who do this act completely, unless they’re looking for a reason why, in which case you probably ought to explain,as there is no point trying to make a point if you aren’t going to make the point. If you see what I mean.
Ladies, gentlemen, and others, the future is in your hands. Go out today and perform your moral duty. Will you join in?