You know what’s really irritating me at the moment? It might just be me being broody, but couples are really starting to get on my nerves.
It’s not just any couples either. It’s a specific type of couple. The ones who, knowing how lucky they are, and how unlucky you are to be all poor and single, insist on snogging right in full view of everybody else.
You see them sometimes on the way to school and work. They stand on the streets and hug, staring right past each other at the rest of the people on the street. For all we know, they couldbe two random strangers who have got together just to make fun of everybody else. They catch your eye deliberately, and stare at you with the most irritating smirks that I have ever seen. Just tomake sure you know just how lucky they are.
There’s a couple of couples like this at my church, and I swear, friends doing it is even more irritating than random strangers doing it. (No, not ‘it‘, just it…) You’ll be sitting there, perhaps in the Youth Room, maybe they’ll be some snacks, drinks (water only for me, please, I’ll tell you why another day) and you’re chatting. You know, hey Bob, hey, yeah, how’s it going, oh. Fine then. I’ll just sit here completely ignored by everybody because I’m just not conventionally likeable. It’s wrong, isn’t it? And also very irritating.
So what are we to do about this pandemic that sweeps our nation, a clear sign of ‘Broken Britain‘ if I ever saw one? Well, if you are a culprit, then I implore you, please, think about others. We, the lost and sorrowful, beg you, desist from your actions, for the good of, well, us. If you are a brother or sister of the culprit, and if you are one of the people that I am thinking of when I write this (not that you’ll ever read this blog, but hey) then you will truly enjoy my plan, then be brave, and fight for public decency with all your might and strength! I suggest that you use operation ‘Innocent Questions’: “Doesn’t the spit get all mixed up in your mouth when you kiss and taste disgusting?” “Why can’t I join in?” (And, for the true pro: “Why were you kissing that other boy/girl last week, and now this one today?”)
However, we are not all in such a privaliged position. So, members of the public, the last great bastions of hope in this country, and probably in other countries as well, please help in any which way you can. Ban people from even holding hands in public places. (Your local conservative MP will probably be very helpful if you just mention the magic word: ‘votes’.) Start no-kissing campaigns on Facebook. Ignore any friends who do this act completely, unless they’re looking for a reason why, in which case you probably ought to explain,as there is no point trying to make a point if you aren’t going to make the point. If you see what I mean.
Ladies, gentlemen, and others, the future is in your hands. Go out today and perform your moral duty. Will you join in?