It’s snowing. I’m sitting here, typing, and just outside my window I can see snow. Well, just outside my window there is snow, but the curtains are closed because I’ve just got changed and I can’t be bothered to open them again. It’s cold. Well, like I said, it’s snowing. Of course it’s cold.
This reminds me, I’ve got sweets. Yes, they’re the same sweets as last time, and slightly out of date now, but they’re nice. Well, they’re nicer than not having sweets. Which is nicer than not having any food at all. So go on, play FreeRice. I dare you.
Anyway, snow. Lots of it. Well not really. There’s not that much, but there’s enough to stop the Green Bus service to school. But don’t worry, I only live about ten minutes walk’s worth away, so I’m fine. But still, you should feel sorry for the people who can’t go to school. I bet they feel sorry for themselves. Aw.
It does look like it’s that time of year again. Northumberland is officially re-naming itself the North Pole. Several small villages have been declared extinct. We’re even having a grit crisis. The Scots are fine, on account of not having invented summer yet, whereas further down south, especially the cities (Brum ftw!) we clearly haven’t invented shovels yet.
So what’s so exciting about the snow that means that the entire country falls to a standstill? Don’t try and visualise falling to a standstill, it hurts your head. Well, here’s Johz’s top reasons for our excitement.
1) – We love the weather. Let’s face it, if there’s one thing we like to talk about most, it’s the weather. So when we get weather that isn’t either clouds or rain, we like to talk about it. Otherwise our discussions would just get boring, wouldn’t they?
2) – We have stopped believing that there really is such a thing as a White Christmas. What is the one thing that happens at the end of every single Doctor Who Christmas special? It snows. Well no, it’s usually ‘ash-ing’ or ‘space dust-ing’, but that’s because while you can make up flying TARDISs, barking dogs and dustbins with LAZORS, you cannot ever make up something as rediculous as a White Christmas. Ever.
3) – It never snows in England. It snows in Canada, yes. It even snows sometimes in Scotland and Wales. But it just doesn’t snow in England. So when it snows, it’s obvious that God (or alternatively Richard Dawkins) has clearly got the weather program wrong. Hell, Dawkins probably made the weather program on his Macintosh, which would explain the problem. And if someone important has got something wrong, well that’s big. I mean, the fact that someone important has got something wrong is the entire point of politics.
4) – David Cameron’s in charge. I mean, we’ve only been having the really bad snow since David Cameron became leader of the Conservatives, and since then it’s just got worse. No, I don’t have any proof. You know it’s true though.
5) – We have the NHS. Any country with a free health service deserves for it to be inundated with people slipping over in the ice. It serves those ebil socialists right. And as if on cue, Pink Floyd’s ‘Money’ starts playing in the background.
6) – We’ve forgotten how life used to be. How many people have you heard reminiscing today? I’ll bet it’s none. That’s because I’m reading a book about statistics, and therefore I know how to twist the statistics to show that if you have heard someone reminisce to day, you don’t exist. But in the past, we knew how to deal with snow. Do you remember when you had continuous snow drifts from November to February, just by virtue of there being snow that not even Chuck Norris could get rid of it. No, I don’t either, but then I wasn’t born back then, so I have an excuse.
Actually, we’ve forgotten a lot of things. How many people do you know were alive in the last great depression? And are they councilling international governments on how to deal best with the fiscal crisis? I don’t think so. The same goes for war. We can all sit for two minutes thinking about a load of dudes that once died somewhere. But can we learn from their mistakes? That’s harder. You see, across the world, we’re very good at forgetting how to deal with things. We assume that we know best, and that, because we have better technology, better equipment, faster computers and all the rest, we automatically don’t need to learn from the past. That’s nonsense. If we looked a bit harder at our own histories of development, we might be in a better position to help third world countries. If we thought a bit about the way that countries have failed to escape money crises, we might be less inclined to, say, introduce quantitive easing, or indeed make massive cuts in everywhere to get rid of a debt that is smaller than it was the last time the Conservatives were in charge. Yes, maybe I’ll talk to you about the economy later. Another day, perhaps. I think we’ve got serious enough already here. Especially when the first sentence is ‘It’s snowing’. Nothing good ever comes out of that…