So the Eurozone is in chaos. You’ve probably noticed this already, as, and we do apologise, this news supposedly has far-reaching consequences. One behalf of the many EU members, I am deeply sorry. We never realised that taking the currencies of some of the world’s leading economic powers and combining them with neighbouring, far less strong currencies, would ever have anything like global policies. We thought it would just be like, you know, how Celebrations chocolates are collectively so popular. We forgot the fact that Milky Ways and Bounties always end up left behind.
But yes, the Eurozone is in chaos, and it’s times like this that our good friend Robert Peston turns round, faces the camera squarely and brings out his trump card: the cooking metaphor. Clearly, he is a man who is not ashamed of his more effeminate pleasures, and he is certainly a member of the modern age that rightly understands that there is more to cooking than leaving it to women, and let me just say that I thoroughly support this viewpoint.
However, it can also be said that some metaphores can be taken a little too far. To that end, I present Eurozone Stroganoff, which serves most first world countries, including, suprisingly
Heat Greece in a frying pan until warm, then fry eurozone political leaders until sweating, while continually stirring with your continued absence of any serious financial suggestions. Yes, Occupy, I’m talking about you.
Gradually add Italy, Ireland, and other meats to taste. You may wish to do this in two batches, this will be fine, and will also leave plenty of room in the pan for anything else to fall into accidentally. Whoops, there goes France.
When everything is nicely browned, sprinkle IMF bailouts and political summits to taste. (Remember, not too many, each meeting that happens increases the chance of one of your ingredients accidentally being overheard complaining about the Israelis.)
Add neighbouring EU-but-not-Eurozone national leaders and representatives.. Make sure you heat Cameron up carefully. Remember to combine flavours perfectle – Cameron doesn’t necessarily go with Clegg in the same way that a bit of Fox brings out the Werrity perfectly.
Add stock. You should have already made stock, but, since this recipe is almost certainly a rushed job causing many late nights (how long is it taking you to cook a stroganoff?) you won’t have got round to doing so. In this situation, you should grab the bare bones of a well-roasted Berlesconi (try to get a whole one: there’s lots of meat on that) and add lots a bare flesh, preferably out of a Berlesconi cabinet, which is always kept well stocked with some really enticing stuff. Stew the whole thing for a few years, add plenty of confidence votes, police enquiries and international disaproval, and then drain off the liquid. This is known as bunga-bunga stock.
Anyway, add that, and cover the pan. Simmer for about 30 minutes, or longer if people are asking difficult questions outside and you don’t want to face them. Add a good dollop of a slightly sour yet nice and fresh age old rivalry. Germany? Two world wars and one world cup. And we had to rescue the French twice. Never mind the fact that they are both world powers and the UK is unable to control basic things like how to keep confidential documents confidential (hint, don’t dump them in the park) and doesn’t know who controls border control. (Theresa knows more than she’s letting in, sorry on…)
In the meantime, cook up some genuine Chinese bailout money to add to the mixture, and then keep it extremely far away from your Eurozone Stroganoff. Preferably on the other side of the world.
Apparently stroganoff is a very retro 70s style dish to serve up. I hope I’ve dragged it into the current decade with this variation, although I suspect it will keep well until at least 2020, when you should probably realise that it’s time to dispose of the single currency. Yes, it’s easier when you want to visit neighbouring countries, but I’m not entirely sure that basing your entire currency on reducing the headache of a handful of tourists from just down the road is the wisest course of action.