This post is dedicated to that most indomitable of NS’ers, the one whom you can always rely on to find himself in trouble with the mods, and the one who is a constant supporter of this blog. Yes, I’m talking about St George, or SGoE, or Cromarty, or maybe Wanjestay, or really whichever of is puppets he’s using.
So we’re having another referendum. It seems that the Coalition’s speciality is referenda, ignoring the fact that this one has been mandated by the devolved Scottish Parliament. Whatever the causes of these national catfights are, the coalition certainly knows how to deal with them. I thought we might run through some of what appears to be David Cameron‘s top tips for fighting a referendum.
Tip 1 – Find someone to hate. It can be anyone. Indeed, it doesn’t really have to be a bad person. Take Nick Clegg. He is quite nice, and he does, we can only assume, earnestly believe in some of his policies. Ultimately, he probably is trying to do the best for the Liberal Democrats. However, as a figure of abject hatred in the British psyche, he probably ranks only a place or two below Sir Fred Goodwin. That’s just Fred Goodwin to you. So, as we saw in the AV referendum, if you can truly get to grips with hating someone, you might well have a chance. In this referendum, look out for the SNP demonising Cameron, who is technically slightly Scottish, but is also a demon from the worst social circles of Hell’s southern, middle class surburbia.
Tip 2 – Pick your facts carefully. It’s not hard. Did you know that only three countries use AV? Is this important? Of course not. Most countries use some sort of Proportional Representation, and the rest are generally ex-colonies, and so have had FPTP thrust upon them in much the same way that a parent thrusts upon their children extra tuition with the supposed reasoning that it’s ‘good for you’. Is this important? Of course not. What really matters in a referendum is tht a population are getting the chance to make up their own mind about what’s best for the country itself. However, if you get the opportunity, of course you can note that there are only a couple of other islands that have split into seperate countries. And most of them are suffering economically.
Tip 3 – Be gratuitous with you calculations. How much is Scottish independence going to cost the Scottish people? Well, there’s the cost of the referendum for a start. Then there’s the upkeep of all those military units that the UK aren’t actually going to give to Scotland, but can pretend to do so if it suits the figures. Then there’s the cost of completely revamping Scottish public transport. It isn’t needed for Scottish independence, but it’s worth adding it onto the price, just because it shows everyone how good you are at maths. Add onto that the cost of the Gulf of Mexico cleanup operation, and a random number between £9,999,999 and £10,000,000. Convert the whole thing into Euros using a bad exchange rate, then put it all into Dollars because it sounds worse. Is it any wonder that a true Scottish nationalist would vote to stay in the UK due to the sheer price of the whole issue?
Tip 4 – Be united. It’s all very well when the leader of a party tells you that the correct answer to the referendum is to XYZ, but when the deputy leader of the same party gets up on the same stage as the leader of another party to tell you to vote UVW, what are yoou to think? The answer to this problem is to beat your party into a frenzy. Bring a new meaning to the term ‘parliamentary whip’. Stand together and stand firm to say that the opposition is a complete mess, in total disarray, and also probably still live with their own mothers. This applies to both sides. If possible, get some of your members to become MPs for the opposition, and then get them to very firmly break ranks. Cause diversions. Anything short of actually shooting the opposition is almost certainly legal. Man, it’s like Modern Warfare 3 out there.
Tip 5 – Drill your arguments deep into minds of your audience. If you want people to remember you, make sure they remember what your points are. It’s all very well saying ‘down with independence’, but why? If you’ve used a good argument, use it again. Abandon lost arguments very quickly. Forget Common Sense, your stalwart wife of fifteen years, you should be bedding down with your beautiful mistress Rhetoric. Repeat, repeat, repeat, rinse, and then repeat the whole thing again. If people haven’t got the message that independence will cost/save lives, cheer/sadden the national psyche, or improve/worsen national crime rates, then you clearly need to send out at least three more rounds of leaflets telling them these things. Paper is very cheap these days, and if you’re running out of ink, use the dried blood of Fred Goodwin’s corpse.
I leave you with some ideas for an alternative referendum, this time one on abortion. My thanks to Angleter for posting these.
“Abortion makes fetuses work harder”
“Abortion abolishes safe wombs”
“Abortion is good for business”
“Banning abortion would cost £250mn”
“Banning abortion is a miserable little compromise”
“Nobody wants to ban abortion”
“Nowhere else bans abortion”
“Most civilised countries have abortion”
“Nick Clegg wants to ban abortion”
“Abortion gives you a second chance”
“Abortion has worked for a very long time, so why ban it?”
“Banning abortion will lead to more twins”